That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
