sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My penis needs a shock collar
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
