Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
