I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
