seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
