1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
