I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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