just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
soo... how was my night?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
