rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
