So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
