So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
