I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
