it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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