Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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