I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
