There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
