the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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