census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
of course. lets lasso hookers.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You are the jesus of drinking
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
