Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
