I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize