Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
