Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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