Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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