Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
