my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
