Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
