Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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