Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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