I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
