She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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