I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
