please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
