My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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