Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
