i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
