I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
