Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize