Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
