Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
