We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did I show you my penis last night?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
