You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
