Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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