She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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