No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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