Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
