He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
