she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
