and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
