Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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