At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
