my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
