White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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