Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
