After last night, I could never be a politician.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
