Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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