i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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