from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
