I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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