i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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