I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
