I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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