It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
