There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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