Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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