I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
