I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
