I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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