i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
