Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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